This Is Halloween

Tonight I will paint my face up to resemble a skeleton, bones and blackness. Tonight I can cover it all up. I’m not much for wearing makeup, it’s such a hassle and for what. I don’t have the need to impress. I do it because I like the way it makes me look. Why do people always think it’s to impress?

Tonight I can hide behind a mask. Smiling bones drawn into teeth. Black circles around my eyes to cover up the already dark circles I have. Tonight I won’t have to worry about what secrets and feelings my eyes might give away because there will be none. There will be nothing behind my eyes but darkness.

This is Halloween.

The magic of Halloween has long since faded for me. It still brings me happiness to see my children dressed up and excited. My Youngest will inevitably grow sleepy towards the end of the night and I will scoop her up in my arms and carry her the rest of the way. But she will be content and so will I. My oldest daughter will fee beautiful in her Princess dress, she will feel like she fits in, if only for tonight. Girls her age can be so cruel. But tonight she will feel beautiful even if she doesn’t believe me all of the other days of the week when I tell her she is.

My son who is thirteen was wondering this year if he’s too old to dress up. One of his friends at school told him that he’s too old. He says he doesn’t really care if he is too old or not. He still wants to dress up. His costume was missing a piece when we bought it. There wasn’t really anything in the store that appealed to him and the things that did were all too small for him. He seemed indifferent but I worry if he was disappointed. He bought a costume I don’t think he really wanted and said he could make it work. He started altering it himself and asked me if I could finish it up for him today. I promised him I would. I hope he still wants to dress up next year. I’m not quite ready for him to be too grown up to want to be a child every now and then.

My Youngest is so easy to please. All she wanted was to be an “army guy”. She was thrilled with her face mask and the accessories that came with her armor. She took such care not to lose any of the small pieces last night after we bought the costume, she was careful to put all of the pieces back in the original box when she went to bed last night and she didn’t fight me about bringing them ti school with her today. She still has many years left to feel the excitement of Halloween.

I bought a costume as well. It’s a long-sleeved dress with a skeleton body painted on the front. It’s much too tight and much too short. I’m going to wear black leggings underneath it. I think it will start to itch severely after the first ten minutes.

The Mister procrastinated on getting a costume and declared that he couldn’t find anything when he made a run to the store on his lunch break. I had offered to paint his face up like a skeleton, because this is what he had originally decided to be, if he wanted me to, but I think he will decline. Last year we went dressed in matching costumes- Woodland Fairies, him a man version naturally. It was cute. I’ve never gone in matching anything with any of my previous partners before and don’t suspect I ever would have had it not been for him. It was comforting to me last year somehow that he wanted us to have matching costumes. It made me feel loved.

Halloween last year was difficult. I hadn’t started taking the antidepressants yet and I felt heartbroken for no reason. Everything in me hurt. Every last bone, muscle, joint. Everything hurt. My heart was hurting a lot. I don’t know how I made it through that night, I don’t remember much of anything about that night.

This year I am feeling much more alive and yet I am dressing like the dead. Funny how that works out.

This is Halloween.


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