Sometimes I write frantically,
in an attempt to fill the silence,
sometimes to silence the noise
in my head.
I pour the words out,
scrawling on page after page,
not because the words are coming too quickly,
but because I am afraid of what will happen if the words stop altogether.
I try to write around
the dark images in my mind
that fill me with apprehension and sadness,
I try to expel them before they start to
Sometimes it works,
sometimes I become tongue tied
and the darkness consumes me
before I am able to break through.
On nights like tonight I’m filled with the need to push out the words just so I can avoid the ugliness that lurks in the silence. Those infected, poisonous thoughts that would rip a person’s soul to shreds should they slip from between my lips. In the shower I was thinking about my appointment tomorrow with my counselor and how I would unleash all of the proverbial rubbish onto her, let her be the victim of my brutal backlash, afterall, isn’t that what she gets paid to do? But no, that isn’t fair.
The last time I spoke with her she told me that I need to be more firm when I feel as though my needs aren’t being fulfilled and I’ve been chewing on this thought ever since. She makes it sound so easy, even after I voiced my concerns about whether or not it would all sound mean once I let it out. She says there’s a tactful way for everything to be said but what she chose not to hear me say was that once I have reached my breaking point, tact goes right out the window.
There are times when I don’t care who I hurt with my words, I just need to release them. I feel them tumble over and around each other in my head for hours, days, weeks, months, sometimes even years, before they explode from inside me onto some poor, undeserving soul’s ears.
I try to turn to my writing and it helps for a period of time, until the next episode. And that’s what it is really- a neverending cycle of sitcoms in which I am the protagonist, made out to look like the antagonist. I swear I’m not though. It’s not as though I want to feel these things, this way. I would love to still believe in fairy tales and happy endings and pots of gold on the other side of the rainbow, but I’m just always far too busy battling my demons to find these magical things.
Good evening Lovely Blogger Friends! I hope everyone has had a wonderful and productive weekend! It’s currently 20 degrees in my part of Texas but I’ve got the heater turned up to a solid 80 degrees or so… at least until the Mister gets home in which case I know he will say it feels wonderful for all of five minutes and then he will be melting and inevitably beg for me to turn it down to at least sixty-five. 😄 Naturally, I will but only until he falls asleep and then back up to at least 75 it goes!
If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am exhausted. I did about six loads of laundry today and the Girls and I cleaned the house. We also went Christmas shopping and were unproductive in finding the gift I wanted to get the Mister so I ended up ordering it online and having it shipped to the Mister’s parent’s house as I’m not sure what days my apartment complex’s office will be open to receive packages. I’m excited for him to get his gift, it’s something I know he has been wanting but with a few extra goodies along with it. I’ll write more about it after Christmas but wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise. 😄
If we were having coffee I would tell you that I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately and actually finished a Kindle ebook of some 500+ pages in two days! It may have been closer to 400 pages, but it was a lot for me, considering I don’t usually have time to read. I’m now working on another book that has held my attention so far. I can’t wait to see how it ends!
If we were having coffee I would tell you that Friday was the last day of school for the Little People for two whole weeks! I was extremely stressed about where the Girls were going to be for those two weeks because I knew the Mister’s parents were going out of town for a while and I was apprehensive about putting the Girls back in daycare because I got screwed out of quite a bit of money the last time they were in daycare. 😕 Thankfully, the Mister’s mom agreed to watch them for this whole coming up week minus the two days the Mister has off from work and then the Mister will also keep the girls home with him for his two days off during the week next week so the Girls will actually only be at daycare for three days, thank Heavens! Daycare is expensive! As is most things that children require. 😕 I was really starting to get stressed out about the daycare situation, but now it’s taken care of.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that I actually remembered one of my dreams last night. 😮 This is unusual for me, I haven’t remembered but maybe two dreams in over a year now. I’m not sure why I stopped remembering what I was dreaming about, but most of my dreams are actually nightmares so I suppose I’m thankful for that. My dream was unnerving and a past recurring dream of mine. I don’t too much know what it means or why I have the same dream periodically but it left me feeling just bad. Getting out and about with the Girls today helped a lot.
I would also tell you that the Girls haven’t been fighting nearly as much today as they usually do on the weekends and it has shocked the heck out of me! 😮 It makes me happy though to see them getting along so well. I wish I would’ve had a brother or sister to grow up with, unfortunately I was an only child, spoiled but lonely. I’m thankful the Girls have each other. My son also let the Girls hang out in his room for a bit this weekend and I tagged along. We watched him play one of his scary video games and we all screamed quite a bit at all the jump scares. 😄 It was good fun.
And that’s how my weekend has gone! I’ve been steadily checking my emails and trying to catch up on everyone’s blog posts! I’ve noticed that there’s quite a few more people participating in the Weekend Coffee Share and I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s posts! I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend and is staying warm! Have a great upcoming week! 💖
Ahhhh Evenin’ Blogger Friends! I hope everyone is warmer than I am right now. 😮 It’s currently 18 degrees in my part of Texas and I’m only waiting for the Mister to fall asleep so I can turn the heater up to 80. 😄
This weekend has been a quiet one thankfully. Not much has happened, not really anything worth noting but I felt I should keep with this new habit of finding something to smile about, so here I am!
I did receive an award at work yesterday after having received three previous awards over the past six months or so. After you receive three of the previous awards, you receive this special award and also a $50 bonus on your upcoming paycheck which will be coming right on time for Christmas!
Also two out of the three Little People are currently sound asleep! (This is an accomplishment for a weekend night. 😄) I suppose this means they had a good day!
I hope everyone is staying warm! ☃️
Good Morning and Happy Sunday! I hope you had a lovely weekend! Currently it is 56 degrees outside according to the wearher app on my phone, I wouldn’t know if this is accurate or not because I haven’t been outside yet. I’m comfortably seated in my warm recliner daydreaming about being at the beach. 😄
If we were having coffee I would tell you that I actually drank coffee this morning before I started writing this post! It was a breakfast blend of some sort with some vanilla creamer (my favorite!). Coffee makes me so jittery though. I’m also sleepy though so it’s a strange combination. 😕 It would’ve been nice to have a banana nut muffin to go along with the coffee, alas, there were none.
This weekend was pretty great. Friday the Mister and I and the Little People went to the Mister’s parent’s house for Youngest’s birthday and it was wonderful! She got some Ninja Turtle toys and we had cupcakes!
The icing was really delicious! There were small slivers of icing ribbons on the tops, they’re kind of difficult to see in the picture but trust me when I say they were awesome! 😄 The Mister’s parents also got Youngest a Ninja Turtle guitar which she has been strumming on every now and then. It was a lovely party with the family!
If we were having coffee I would tell you that the Mister was super awesome last week and not only went shopping for Youngest’s birthday gift but he also got the kids and I our Christmas gifts and wrapped them! It’s driving me absolutely insane not knowing what he got me! He told me though that it’s actually two gifts because you can’t have one without the other and that whatever it is that he got me are things that I have mentioned more than once over the past couple of years and that he knows I will love it. I have no clue what it could be unless it’s a box full of sleep which is something I haven’t had an adequate amount of since 2003 back before our Oldest was born… 😦 I could hibernate for a couple of months or so… 😄
This week has been a quiet one and I’m thankful for that. I enjoy and appreciate these moments with my family and always wish we had more of them, alas, work and life happen. We currently have a pot roast cooking in the crock pot for dinner tonight and I’m extremely excited about that as well because BEEF. 😄
That’s really all that has happened this week. Life has been moving along quite nicely and I can’t believe that there is only twenty (20!) days left of 2016! 😮 Where has this year gone??
I hope everyone has an amazingly awesome and relaxing Sunday and a wonderful upcoming week!