For #NanoPoblamo I decided to do thirty days of Thankfulness. Being thankful for everything in my life, especially the small things, is something I often forget to do. I tried to write this post earlier and I had thought I was going to start with “Freedom” but there is so much that goes along with my freedom. It’s a bit of a depressing story and I really didn’t want to start NanoPoblano off that way.
I decided instead to find something each day to be thankful for and kind of write it as it happens. I read somewhere once that once you start looking for things to be thankful for, you will realize how very much you really have to be thankful for and that’s what I’m hoping will happen over these next thirty days.
I’m also thinking I may write things a bit abstractly so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make much sense.
Angel (My Mister)
The darkness, so thick and crushing, it enveloped me but not like a blanket of warmth. A walking corpse, the living dead, existing without living.
A war raging inside me. Every day new casulities- self-esteem went first followed by the ability to love. Self-control and the right to think for myself were killed off next. Waiting for the moment when everything would stop hurting, but I had already died long ago. All I had left to do was wait for my body to rot.
New bruises every day, the only signs of the warzone that was my home. A body once so beautiful now appearing to decay. Broken bones and dreams crushed, I gave up wishing on shooting stars. My heart turned black and crumbled, it beat slower and slower every day.
The day that I died, I don’t remember it. I can’t remember what I was wearing, where I was- at home, at work, the store? The only three places I ever went, I died in one of those spots. Maybe while I lay in bed, eyes open and staring at horrors that only I could see. Or was it in a classroom, surrounded by joyous, screaming toddlers while I watched them play, envious of their carefree spirits and lack of emotional burdens. After that first time, every night I died once more, only to be reborn the next day into the same nightmare. I would have even welcomed an eternity in Hell. Anything would have been better than what life dealt me.
And then there He was.
An angel come to show me the way. A gift from the Heavens for having endured without complaint. An unexpected answer to my prayers. His touch was so tender, so loving, like running your fingers through cotton. His soul shone so brightly and I found my way out of the darkness. His kisses evaporated my tears and healed every cut, bruise and broken bone. I discovered myself in his love, I saw a woman of strength and determination. Time and time again I was shown that I am good, that unconditional love was meant for me. I found safety and a sense of belonging in his arms. I found a reason to go on.
The war ended, I claimed victory against my demons, I boarded up the past and stepped into the light. The darkness is always there, threatening to creep in from the borders, but during these times, his light burns even brighter, chasing away the shadows and all of the horrors that dwell within it.