Month: June 2016

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A Letter

My Love…

For the record, I think this letter is a horrible idea… I’m hoping it will be beneficial though… I love you.

Where do I even start?…

Sometimes my imagination gets away from me. I deal with an overwhelming amount of thoughts and feelings, not every day, but many days, and it makes it difficult for me to focus on what’s happening from moment to moment.

Last night and this morning (and for a bunch of days before that, I’m not sure how many, I just know it was a lot) I was feeling like I needed to cry, but I held it in because like I told you this morning, I feel like it irritates you when I cry… I really just wanted to be held but then once I asked you to, I felt like you didn’t really want to and it made me feel even worse.

$@&%, I should’ve thought this letter out before I sat down to write it…

Sometimes I feel like it frustrates you that I am such a moody, crazy person and I’m sorry that I can’t do a better job at controlling my emotions. 😞 Sometimes I just need to be held and reminded that I am loved but I don’t like to ask for you to do these things because I feel like it will make you feel bad, like it would make you feel as though you don’t already do a good enough job showing it, because you do!

I don’t think I’m expressing my thoughts very clearly.

Sometimes I feel like you are tired of me but don’t want to tell me. Sometimes I feel like there are things you want me to work on concerning myself and maybe things you want us to work on as a couple, but don’t want to tell me because you’re afraid it will upset me.

I have no idea where I’m going with this.

Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts about the past, sometimes I can’t stop the flashbacks from happening and I cringe at the memories. I think I blame myself for things that were done to me and I justify these things that happened by telling myself that it was my fault because I allowed them to happen. Sometimes I need to talk about these things, sometimes I need to say them out loud so that I can remind myself that they really happened and that I’m not making them out to be worse than they actually were. I’m always torn between asking you to listen, because you’ve told me before that you feel as though I live in the past, and just telling you because if I don’t tell you I’m afraid you will think something else is wrong.

(I hope this is all making sense…)

Sometimes when I’m feeling like this, every time I’m feeling like this, I just want to be held and reassured that I am loved. You have no idea how much it helps when you reach out and hug me. But when you don’t do this and I decide to be the one to reach out for you instead, I feel like it irritates you. How can I explain to you that I just feel BAD inside and need a hug? Sometimes you hold me and rub my arm or back or my hair and I tell myself that you really do love me, and other times I feel like you are frustrated and it makes me feel even worse.

I don’t think I’m conveying my thoughts and emotions accurately here.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I am loved by you. Your actions always show me clearly that you do love me but hearing it from you somehow helps more. You have no idea how happy it makes me when you tell me that you don’t want to imagine your life without me and that you will always love me. These are things I constantly need to be reminded of and I’m sorry if it’s exhausting.

I don’t know what else to say other than I love you and communication between us is important to me, it’s just hard for me. And that’s all I’ve got for now.

I feel like there should be more words here so I’m going to add these in here.

*******************************

And I call myself a writer! 😂

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To The Bloggers With A Crapton of Followers but Seemingly Little or No Activity On Your Blog

I commend you. I really, truly do. 

I’ve been browsing blogs under various tags on WordPress and have come across some in which bloggers are seemingly posting every. single. day. and it’s some really good content (in my opinion anyways.) and these bloggers seem to have a crapton of followers (sometimes not even that many. Don’t ask me exactly what constitutes as a “crapton,” just know that it’s a lot. 😄) but hardly any likes or comments on post after post. I can sympathize. 

I have quite a few followers on my blog and get about six likes daily on my posts (which I really love! You “Likers”freaking rock my socks off! 😍 And no, Auto Correct, I don’t want to change “Likers” to “Lickers”. If they are “Lickers”, that’s their business, not mine. 😄) but not very many comments. As an aspiring writer, I won’t deny that I dream of having a large group of followers, followers whom my words invoke emotion in, followers whom my words make them want to comment with things like “Oh sweet Angelica! I couldn’t have said it better!” followed by a short story of their own experiences in what I have written about, but it took me a good bit of time to get even as many followers as I have. I don’t really think I’m in any position to give solid, life-changing advice (is life changing hyphenated? Hey, I’m an aspiring writer, I never claimed to be a professional writer! 😄) but if I were to give any bit of advice, it would be this:

Keep on keeping on! 

Now, just in case you aren’t “hip” like the rest of us “cool kids” (Geezus, I think I’m turning into my beloved Father… Heaven help me…) I’ll break it down for you into “not-so-hip” terms (no offense to any bloggers who may use the words in the structure that I’m about to post. I’m sure you’re “hip” in your own way. Okay Dad, give me back control of my “cool kid” language please…) I’ll put it into plain English for you- 

Don’t give up! 

Yep. That’s it. That’s my advice. Keep posting! 

I will admit that I don’t put very much thought into my posts, not even my stories. I don’t write the words, the words write themselves and just simply use me as a tool. Yeah, crazy stuff. I know. But it’s true. 

I usually have an idea of what I want to write when I sit down, but I don’t stress myself over making outlines and character sketches and plot outlines, nope. I just write. And this works for me. I know this isn’t the way it works for everyone and that’s okay. 

I read somewhere (a bunch of places actually) lately that the most important part of writing is showing up. And I agree! It’s easy to pump out a couple dozen or so posts and then abandon your blog when you become discouraged because of the lack of followers or views. It’s sticking with your writing that’s the hard part. Sticking with it when your number of followers seems to be stuck at five, when your number of likes is even less, when you pour your freaking heart out (!) into your blog and get seemingly no response. (What the frack do you want from me? I’ve given you everything I have inside of me, all of the beauty and ugliness and it’s not enough?! Would giving you my firstborn as well change your mind?? Over dramatic? Perhaps. What do you expect? I’m an aspiring writer. 😄)

On those blogs that I’ve mentioned, the ones with a good number of followers but not many comments or the ones with not that many followers and even less comments and likes, I really, really (I can’t stress really enough here) appreciate the fact that these bloggers are consistent with their posting. They keep posting even when it doesn’t seem like they are getting anywhere. And I can’t be the only person who also feels this way. I just know that there are others out there who seek out these blogs and read what they’ve written and also, like me, go back and read the blogger’s older posts as well. (I love doing that!) 

Am I making any sense here?

Alright. I’m spent. 

Hey. You. Blogger with either an ocean of followers but little to no liking and/or commenting happening, as well as the blogger with few followers and no commenting/liking action taking place-

You’re awesome.

Your words are awesome. 

Your stories are awesome.

Don’t give up.

💖A. Kidd