At Rest

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There’s such perfection in his imperfection, the way he repeats himself when he’s really excited, but remembering every word he said and reciting it completely, not adding, not omitting, making it just as precise the second time around.

I love the way his mind won’t sit still; it’s the same as my wandering spirit, always fighting with every other part of us to work together, all the while wanting, needing, aching to move. Not because we aren’t happy where we are, we have different reasons for our need to move around, but the urge is still there, deep inside us, like electricity running through our every fiber.

There’s always a song in our hearts, never the same one as in the other’s but it’s music all the same. Sometimes he taps his finger or wiggles his foot in tune with a melody that only he can hear. My craving for music can only be soothed by putting on my headphones and letting the chords take me far away because in music I feel no pain, even when it reminds me of the past. It’s like watching a slide show, images that were and that will never be again. Images that cannot hurt me.

He always leaves his clothes exactly where he took them off, his boots are the same. I shove my dirty clothing into nooks and crannies because our laundry basket is full of my journals, all of them with a dozen or more pages torn out, words that could never quite express me perfectly. Sometimes I fold my tank tops up and put them back into my drawers, but I always smell them and decide they don’t smell clean, even if I’ve washed them six times since the last time I wore them. He throws his work shirts at the end of our bed at the end of a long day and by Saturday he is sniffing, the same as me.

Sometimes I get cravings for specific foods and nothing and everything else I eat is just as good, just as satisfying. My mind won’t let me forget these treats until I seem to be passing twelve gas stations on my way to everywhere and nowhere and I have to, HAVE TO, stop in and get whatever it is. He stashes his snacks on the floor next to his side of the bed, he’s very much more adventurous when it comes to food than I am and he comes home with the most exotic sounding foods, things I’ve never heard of. He doesn’t usually finish these snacks, sometimes he admits that they looked and sounded better than they actually tasted but he lived in the moment for that one moment while he was choosing it and while that may not seem monumental, truly it is.

Sometimes I think that I am unlovable because my mind it moves too quickly, it’s too negative, it’s been beaten and bent and broken and bruised, the same as my heart. He never gives up on trying to show me that not everyone is the same and that some hands are delicate with such fragile things, some touches are light and tender. And when my mind won’t stop moving, when his mind won’t stop moving and when his body yearns to move and my spirit wants to break free, in those moments when we are next to each other he reaches out and touches me and we are both still.

 

Meet and Greet: 2/18/17

Meet and Greet: 2/18/17

Meet and Greet Weekend is finally here! Come and discover some wonderful blogs! 🎉🎁🎈🎂

Dream Big, Dream Often

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It’s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!!  Strap on your party shoes and join the fun!  

Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
  2. Reblog this post.  It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!
  3. Edit your reblog post and add tags.
  4. Feel free to leave your link multiple times!  It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want.  It is up to you!

  5. Share this post on social media.  Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.

See ya on Monday!!

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Meet and Greet: 2/4/17

Meet and Greet: 2/4/17

Meet and Greet Weekend is finally here! Come and discover some wonderful blogs! 🎉🎂🎁🎈

Dream Big, Dream Often

 dreambigwallpaper-pinkombre

It’s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!!  Strap on your party shoes and join the fun!  

Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
  2. Reblog this post.  It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!
  3. Edit your reblog post and add tags.
  4. Feel free to leave your link multiple times!  It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want.  It is up to you!

  5. Share this post on social media.  Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.

See ya on Monday!!

View original post

Inside the Lines

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Does anyone even read words anymore? And I don’t mean the newspaper, magazines, meaningless pages and pages of garbage. Words, I mean heartfelt words that are oftentimes written from deep within broken hearts and spirits, shattered hopes and dreams, tragedy and depression. Does anyone remember the greatness that can come from these words? 

I’ve been horrible at keeping up with my blog. For awhile there I was doing well, posting a Weekend Coffee Share every Sunday, and attempting a Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writers post a few times. Was it a few times? Maybe I never published it. A few other posts as well, but then I just kinda fell away. I watched my number of readers climb and it amazed me. I often wondered Do these people even care about what I’m writing? 

Maybe that’s why I don’t stay consistent with my writing. Because I figure what I have to say doesn’t matter much to anyone but me. And that’s okay with me. Afterall, I write for myself and maybe one other. One other that I’m always hoping will read my words. I always hope that this one person will understand what I am trying to say, where I am coming from. I don’t know if they do. That doesn’t much matter either though.

What can I say that would be real? And I don’t mean real in the sense of chatter about my day. My days are very mundane. Repetitive. Exhausting. I tried to explain once to someone that I love how exhausting life is for me and I think it depressed them. But it’s the truth. It’s the same motions, the same people, the same job, the same talk day in and day out. It’s like that movie Groundhog Day, you know, with Bill Murray. Always waiting to wake up and not be stuck on repeat. Only that never happens.

The thought of adulthood used to depress me when I was a child. The reality of working my fingers to the bone to buy a house and car and extravagant things for myself, my family, only to spend the rest of my life indebted to paying these things off. Adulthood always seemed like such a ripoff. And sometimes I still feel like this.

Ah yes, but the small things! Things like watching this tiny pup of mine in her playful days, becoming accustomed to her new surroundings while building bonds with our family. Things like watching my son excel in football this season. Listening to my Oldest Daughter sing in her school’s choir. Listening to Youngest Daughter tell me interesting things she learned in school and her artwork! It’s wonderful! No, these things make these dreadfully disappointing days worthwhile. It’s just all the moments in between that disappointment me.

These days move far too quickly yet all the while I feel as though I am standing still.

 

Weekend Coffee Post: January 29, 2017

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Evening Bloggers! I hope everyone had a productive and/or relaxing weekend. I haven’t been feeling well and more or less tried to takr it easy this weekend. Honestly, I didn’t do much more than sit in my chair watching movies on Netflix. It was soothing though.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that this weather really sucks. It’s currently 51 degrees in my part of Texas. That might not seem cold to some, but for me, it’s unpleasant. I’m ready for summer.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that last week I had a panic attack while driving to pick up my Little People from school and had to call my Mister to come get us. I wasn’t sure how long it would last and I was terrified to drive with the kids in the car. It wasn’t a terribly awful panic attack, but I was pretty shaky and overall unbalanced. I’m sure it was a combination of things that brought it on. I’m still not feeling 100%, but I’m doing better than I was Friday.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I found out last week that my student counselor will be graduating soon and so if I want to continue counseling at the college I have been going to for counseling, I will have to start all over again with a new counselor. My current counselor assures me that she will only pick the best counselor and that she will give her detailed notes about our talks, but I’m not sure I want to start over with someone new. It’s taken me nearly five months to build the level of trust I have with my current counselor and I’m not sure I have the strength to go through that again. Alas, I have no health insurance and cannot go to a professional. It is what it is.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that a few weeks ago my supervisor named me as the new Associate Coach. He asked for volunteers for various positions and I’m not really the volunteering type. I enjoy what I do. My job is fairly simple and extremely soothing. It’s repetitive and I enjoy that. There are never any surprises and now I have been put in charge of showing new associates what to do, answer their questions, be friendly and available, all the things I was thankful my job previously didn’t involve. My position previously involved very little contact with other employees and now it seems this is about to change. It makes me anxious. 😕 Alas I am a team player and a people pleaser and my Boss along with several other teammates volunteered me for the position so… yeah.

If we were having coffee I would ask if I had mentioned that I bought a new journal… I lost count of how many that is in the past year and a half… I’m going to guess somewhere around ten-ish… I haven’t stayed consistent so far, mostly because I haven’t been feeling well. I also haven’t written anything in quite some time, but I have been reading quite a bit this weekend and actually finished a murder mystery. Maybe it’s considered a thriller. I’m not really sure. I really liked it though. It was a good story.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I’ve been staying as consistent with checking my emails as I can between not feeling well, taking care of three children, my Mister and our new puppy. I’ve read some wonderful posts, posts that have given me glimpses into the lives of bloggers I love to read the fictional words of, words that allow me to catch glimpses of dreams and desires, tidbits about the happenings in everyone’s lives. Reading everyone’s posts helps me to not feel as disconnected as I have been the past week or so. Your words matter to me. 💖

Anyhow, that’s all I’ve got for tonight. I hope everyone is doing well and is able to be productive in their writing and daily lives this week. 🙂

Weekly Smile #55

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Good Morning Lovely Bloggers and Happy Saturday! I don’t know what it feels like outside because I’ve just only rolled out of bed a short while ago after being woken up by my two young daughters and my new puppy. The puppy has a doctor’s appointment today because I think she’s not feeling well.

The Mister got the puppy, whom he named LeeLee, a few weeks ago from a friend of a friend. The puppy is absolutely precious but doesn’t sleep much at night. She whines at the door until someone gets up and lets her out, which I’ll admit is pretty impressive, but then after she is let outside and does her business she wants to stay up and play. Very early this morning was one of those times.

She woke up around 3 a.m. and went outside and pottied and then we sat in the living room until nearly 6 a.m. with her alternating between chewing on me and licking me. Finally I Googled some puppy relaxation videos (YouTube has the craziest stuff on it! 😄) and put one on and wouldn’t you know the Little Girl fell right to sleep?

This is my amazing puppy:

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Even though she’s kind of high maintenance right now and I’m more than kind of exhausted, I know (I hope) that she will outgrow this period of constantly waking up every few hours wanting to go outside. Right now I’m trying to think of this as having a new baby in the house. She makes me happy, makes the children happy and makes the Mister happy and that’s a huge smile right there.