30DOW: Day 8

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BETWEEN THE LINES

“I don’t understand you,” she says with an incredulous look on her face and just like all of the others I know she has read something I’ve written that she didn’t appreciate, didn’t understand. “I think you really need some help.”

I roll my eyes and grab a snack, head to the bedroom and swear off writing for the rest of my life but only moments later I’m scribbling furiously, unleashing the obscenities that I can’t bring myself to let flow freely from my lips. No matter how much others words hurt me I just can’t allow myself to do the same.

I doodle on the margins and debate over whether or not to rip the pages of this lined book out and start again but end up convincing myself that I won’t ever grow, I won’t ever learn if I keep destroying all of my words. And so I write. I write about the things I hate, I write about the things I love, I write about my fears and I feel better after I have written it all down.

There’s a comfort that comes from scribbling down my most personal thoughts, a freedom that I only feel when I am writing. I stare absently at the pages I have just filled and once again wonder if there is anyone else in the world like me, anyone else who cannot find solace in the spoken word but whom instead turns to paper. I know there are, I read their words every day in my emails, on their blogs, yet we seem so different. I haven’t found someone yet who is like me and I’m convinced I never will.

The next day I go and buy a new journal. I tell myself I will write a beautiful, happy story but I don’t make it even five pages before I realize I haven’t started a new book only begun writing a sequel. I like to think I already know how this story ends, and no matter how disappointing it is to me I cannot help but stay riveted, my eyes carefully watching every movement, my ears hearing and analyzing every spoken word. I soak it all in and later in the midnight hours with my Youngest laying next to me on my recliner I replay the entire scenes but with fictional characters. I try to force myself to write a happy ending but cannot so instead I relive the moments I have already dreamt of and tell myself the best is yet to come.

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