A Letter

My Love…

For the record, I think this letter is a horrible idea… I’m hoping it will be beneficial though… I love you.

Where do I even start?…

Sometimes my imagination gets away from me. I deal with an overwhelming amount of thoughts and feelings, not every day, but many days, and it makes it difficult for me to focus on what’s happening from moment to moment.

Last night and this morning (and for a bunch of days before that, I’m not sure how many, I just know it was a lot) I was feeling like I needed to cry, but I held it in because like I told you this morning, I feel like it irritates you when I cry… I really just wanted to be held but then once I asked you to, I felt like you didn’t really want to and it made me feel even worse.

$@&%, I should’ve thought this letter out before I sat down to write it…

Sometimes I feel like it frustrates you that I am such a moody, crazy person and I’m sorry that I can’t do a better job at controlling my emotions. 😞 Sometimes I just need to be held and reminded that I am loved but I don’t like to ask for you to do these things because I feel like it will make you feel bad, like it would make you feel as though you don’t already do a good enough job showing it, because you do!

I don’t think I’m expressing my thoughts very clearly.

Sometimes I feel like you are tired of me but don’t want to tell me. Sometimes I feel like there are things you want me to work on concerning myself and maybe things you want us to work on as a couple, but don’t want to tell me because you’re afraid it will upset me.

I have no idea where I’m going with this.

Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts about the past, sometimes I can’t stop the flashbacks from happening and I cringe at the memories. I think I blame myself for things that were done to me and I justify these things that happened by telling myself that it was my fault because I allowed them to happen. Sometimes I need to talk about these things, sometimes I need to say them out loud so that I can remind myself that they really happened and that I’m not making them out to be worse than they actually were. I’m always torn between asking you to listen, because you’ve told me before that you feel as though I live in the past, and just telling you because if I don’t tell you I’m afraid you will think something else is wrong.

(I hope this is all making sense…)

Sometimes when I’m feeling like this, every time I’m feeling like this, I just want to be held and reassured that I am loved. You have no idea how much it helps when you reach out and hug me. But when you don’t do this and I decide to be the one to reach out for you instead, I feel like it irritates you. How can I explain to you that I just feel BAD inside and need a hug? Sometimes you hold me and rub my arm or back or my hair and I tell myself that you really do love me, and other times I feel like you are frustrated and it makes me feel even worse.

I don’t think I’m conveying my thoughts and emotions accurately here.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I am loved by you. Your actions always show me clearly that you do love me but hearing it from you somehow helps more. You have no idea how happy it makes me when you tell me that you don’t want to imagine your life without me and that you will always love me. These are things I constantly need to be reminded of and I’m sorry if it’s exhausting.

I don’t know what else to say other than I love you and communication between us is important to me, it’s just hard for me. And that’s all I’ve got for now.

I feel like there should be more words here so I’m going to add these in here.

*******************************

And I call myself a writer! 😂

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2 thoughts on “A Letter

  1. I’m assuming that there is another piece to this letter: something like this…

    “I need to be reminded of that I am loved NOW because when the pain of my past sweeps over me like a tidal wave and I can’t see anything else, I become very aware that I wasn’t loved THEN. I need you to hold me, to let me breathe in your scent and feel your arms around me so that I can anchor myself in the present again. So that I can KNOW clear through my being that my past is over now. That I am safe. Please try to understand- it’s like being a child caught in a nightmare who just needs someone to help her wake up.”

    But I could be wrong. That’s just MY experience with pain and change talking, after all. Please forgive me if its not like that for you.

    It also sounds difficult to need to talk about your pain but not to have anyone who will listen. It takes help to cut the strings that tie us to our pain, and it makes sense (to me at least) that you can’t just forget about it and start over. I hope you will find someone who will listen, and/or that the Mister will become more supportive once he understands.

    Liked by 1 person

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