30DOW: Day 19

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Moonlight

Beneath the bright moonlight he reaches over and takes my hand. Our feet dangle from the pier and the waves gently crash against the jetties. Nearby I can hear some fish splashing in and out of the water. The breeze is refreshing on my sunburnt skin from earlier in the day.

“Do you want me to sing you a song,” he asks with a twinkle in his eye.

I don’t have to look at him to know his eyes are twinkling. His damn eyes are always twinkling. He’s like a child, so easily amused and even easier to please. I’ve grown tired of playing these games with him. I’ve only been trying to pass the time and he was convenient.

I decide to ignore his question but he starts singing anyways. I don’t know who told him he has a good voice, he starts singing some twangy nonsense that is neither my taste, nor is on key. I shudder and pull out my phone. I don’t have to look at him to know he is craning his neck to see who I am messaging. And in this moment, I do not care.

I’m messaging Him, of course. The only one so far in this lifetime who has understood me. The only one who hasn’t asked me to not be Me. The only one who has been able to soothe my fears and anxieties. The only one who doesn’t make me feel like I’m wasting my time.

He leans in and I know he is about to kiss me, in an effort to take my mind off of Him. I feel the disgust on my skin like creepy crawlers, more than just shivers. Like a flesh eating disease. I sigh and stand, wiping my hands on my pants, turn and walk back down the dock. Back towards Him. Of all the things in the world that make absolutely no sense, returning to Him is the most sane thing I could ever do in this insane life. I will always return to him.

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30DOW: Day 18

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Mask

Was I convincing enough today? Was my smile bright enough, wide enough? Did I laugh at all the right moments and listen intently when it was appropriate? Was I happy enough?

Did you believe me today when I said I was okay? Did I hug you tight enough, kiss you long enough, was I everything you wanted me to be?

Did I seem happy to be carrying the load on my own? Did I come off as strong enough, wide enough, energized enough to continue to do it all on my own?

Did I seem interested enough, knowledgable enough, entertained enough for you to want to continue to pursue a friendship with me? Did I appear to be everything you are looking for in whatever it is that you’re looking for?

Was I convincing enough today? Did you have complete faith that I’m not crumbling on the inside? Did I mask the anxiety well enough that you felt safe to continue on your way with a smile and a wave? Did you feel confident that tomorrow would be an even brighter day?

30DOW: Day 17

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Love

Love me unrelentlessly. Unconditionally. Without boundaries.

With an abundance of acceptance, forgiveness, and understanding. With kindness and patience and passion. With compassion and excitement and a sense of adventure.

In color that leaks from the walls of your heart. With the desire to showcase what we are about. With the understanding that tomorrow is not promised, all there is today, right now, this moment.

With a song in your heart and a smile on your lips and the truth that we can withstand anything together.

For better or worse, for rich or for poor,  in sickness and in health, til death do us part.

Love me unforgivingly.

30DOW: Day 11

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Drowning

Mine is but a chirp in a crowd of screams. My face, hidden in a sea of faces, drowning as we ebb and flow as one. My voice has grown hoarse and my throat is raw. I cannot see the shore any longer and my arms grow tired from treading. With every new wave I swallow down a little more water, the salt begins to taste like blood and I cannot catch my breath. I am drowning.

My arms and legs are growing so weary, I am losing my strength. My legs are stretching, trying to touch the bottom but instead my toes brush against something slick. I’m waiting for a savior.

I know the storm is coming. I turn my face up to the skies and watch the dark clouds rolling in. It’s like a time lapse, moving quickly but in frames. I am mesmerized. I cannot look away as the lightning crashes and the sky is illuminated. I wonder what is beyond those clouds and I wonder if today will be the day I find out.

And suddenly there is a man before me and he reaches his hand out to me and tells me he will save me but it must be my decision and mine alone. His eyes are so familiar and he tells me he has loved me for a thousand years and a thousand more before that and all I need to do now is to take his hand. But my arms are so heavy, I’m slowly sinking. I pray for relief.

I try to convince myself that even if I do resurface, even if I make it through this, is it worth it? I’ve been trying my best to stay afloat for so long and even when the storm passes I know there will be another one and another one after that. There are always storms and I cannot seek shelter. I face the storm alone as bravely as I can and after awhile the salt water shows me illusions that are so beautiful. I feel my muscles start to relax as my mind convinces me that all is well and I slowly start to sink. I am so tired but I cannot let go. I cannot give up. I must hold on just a little while longer. I pray for the sun to come out and I know it will if I am just patient.

30 Days of Thankfulness (30DOT)- Day One

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For #NanoPoblamo I decided to do thirty days of Thankfulness. Being thankful for everything in my life, especially the small things, is something I often forget to do. I tried to write this post earlier and I had thought I was going to start with “Freedom” but there is so much that goes along with my freedom. It’s a bit of a depressing story and I really didn’t want to start NanoPoblano off that way.

I decided instead to find something each day to be thankful for and kind of write it as it happens. I read somewhere once that once you start looking for things to be thankful for, you will realize how very much you really have to be thankful for and that’s what I’m hoping will happen over these next thirty days.

I’m also thinking I may write things a bit abstractly so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make much sense.

Angel (My Mister)

The darkness, so thick and crushing, it enveloped me but not like a blanket of warmth. A walking corpse, the living dead, existing without living.

A war raging inside me. Every day new casulities- self-esteem went first followed by the ability to love. Self-control and the right to think for myself were killed off next. Waiting for the moment when everything would stop hurting, but I had already died long ago. All I had left to do was wait for my body to rot.

New bruises every day, the only signs of the warzone that was my home. A body once so beautiful now appearing to decay. Broken bones and dreams crushed, I gave up wishing on shooting stars. My heart turned black and crumbled, it beat slower and slower every day.

The day that I died, I don’t remember it. I can’t remember what I was wearing, where I was- at home, at work, the store? The only three places I ever went, I died in one of those spots. Maybe while I lay in bed, eyes open and staring at horrors that only I could see. Or was it in a classroom, surrounded by joyous, screaming toddlers while I watched them play, envious of their carefree spirits and lack of emotional burdens. After that first time, every night I died once more, only to be reborn the next day into the same nightmare. I would have even welcomed an eternity in Hell. Anything would have been better than what life dealt me.

And then there He was.

An angel come to show me the way. A gift from the Heavens for having endured without complaint. An unexpected answer to my prayers. His touch was so tender, so loving, like running your fingers through cotton. His soul shone so brightly and I found my way out of the darkness. His kisses evaporated my tears and healed every cut, bruise and broken bone. I discovered myself in his love, I saw a woman of strength and determination. Time and time again I was shown that I am good, that unconditional love was meant for me. I found safety and a sense of belonging in his arms. I found a reason to go on.

The war ended, I claimed victory against my demons, I boarded up the past and stepped into the light. The darkness is always there, threatening to creep in from the borders, but during these times, his light burns even brighter, chasing away the shadows and all of the horrors that dwell within it.