In These Moments
All I can do is breathe and believe that everything will eventually be okay. I have been trying to tell myself that I won’t let the anxiety rule me, I refuse to let fear lead me to make bad decisions. I am choosing to stand my ground for what I know is right. I understand the consequences of this choice, but either way, things will work out in the end.
In these moments I try to remember all of the good in my life. I try to surround myself by those that I love and that love me. I try to tell myself that I am okay, that we are okay, that it will all be okay. Sometimes this works, there’s more times that it doesn’t. But still I try.
In these moments I try to stay grounded in the present. I try to be thankful for all that I have, all that I have accomplished, as little and insignificant as it all may seem. I am thankful for my freedom even though sometimes it still feels very much so as though I am still trapped. I know that one day I will truly be free and for that, I am thankful.
In these moments I try to remember that tomorrow is another day. I know the journey isn’t over yet. I still have such a long way to go, but I know I can make it. I’ve already been traveling for so long and I am used to the obstacles that hinder my progress. I will not give up.
In these moments I think of all of this and so much more and try so hard not to let the anxiety overcome me. I won’t deny that there are many days that I pray things will be easier right now instead of having to ride out yet another storm, alas that is not the way of my life.
In these moments I will take life as it comes to me and remember that tomorrow is another day. I will continue to tell myself that in the end everything will be okay and if it’s not okay, it isn’t the end.
All of this daily writing has sparked my creativity. I scroll through my emails and discover an upcoming art challenge by a fellow blogger and decide to sign up for it. I tell a close friend about it who tells me, “You can’t run from it forever.”
I pretend to not know what she’s talking about.
“First it was NanoWrimo, then it was NaBloPoMo, now an art challenge? You’re trying to fill the silence, the emptiness.”
And maybe she’s right. But what business of it is hers?
“You haven’t even drawn anything in forever,” she continues. “You should just stick to your writing. If you take on another project, you’ll end up neglecting your writing.”
I stare at her and wonder if she’s been speaking to my mother. Instead I rummage my closet for one of the many empty and half-empty drawing pads I know I’ve seen laying around. It seems they have all mysteriously disappeared. Instead of taking this as a bad omen as I usually would, I vow to buy a blank one tomorrow after work.
I realize that despite the fact that it’s been a very long time since I’ve drawn anything, I am excited. I know I’m not the worst artist in the world, definitely not the best, but sometimes I luck out and am able to create something. On top of this I have decided to carry on the NaBloPoMo challenge and blog throughout December. And maybe she’s right now that I think about it. Maybe I am trying to fill that emptiness that I can’t explain away. Definitely not silence though. The noise in my mind is far too loud to just write or draw away. My brain won’t stay still for even a moment, the anxiety won’t allow it.
Drinking used to help quiet the roar in my head, but I’ve long since given that up as well. Some days I miss it. Some days I wish for it. Most days I pray I’ll never see another bottle of alcohol again in my lifetime. And so I cling to my writing and decide to rekindle my passion for drawing and absorb myself in my fictional worlds and horror movies and try to convince myself that this isn’t running this is art in the making.
Was I convincing enough today? Was my smile bright enough, wide enough? Did I laugh at all the right moments and listen intently when it was appropriate? Was I happy enough?
Did you believe me today when I said I was okay? Did I hug you tight enough, kiss you long enough, was I everything you wanted me to be?
Did I seem happy to be carrying the load on my own? Did I come off as strong enough, wide enough, energized enough to continue to do it all on my own?
Did I seem interested enough, knowledgable enough, entertained enough for you to want to continue to pursue a friendship with me? Did I appear to be everything you are looking for in whatever it is that you’re looking for?
Was I convincing enough today? Did you have complete faith that I’m not crumbling on the inside? Did I mask the anxiety well enough that you felt safe to continue on your way with a smile and a wave? Did you feel confident that tomorrow would be an even brighter day?