While He’s Here

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Just more horrible news to top off my already funky mood. A friend from work told me today that one of our other coworkers is joining the military because he wants to work as a paramedic in less fortunate countries. He says he wants to do good in the world. He’s just that type of guy, you know, big heart, still believes in the good in people. He wants to make a difference.

I felt like I was going to cry when she told me. With the way the world is today, this news frightens me. I want him to be safe. True, bad can happen anywhere in the world, but he’ll be so far away. My chest hurts thinking about it. I wonder if my heart is breaking.

Maybe I’m what’s wrong with the world, believing that my friend’s presence would do a world more good here, where people like me need people like him. He has an optimism about him that’s contagious and uplifting. I think it’s because he has so much faith in God. Every day when I come in for the morning, he’s sitting down to breakfast and praying. It’s not something you see every day and I admire him for it. In a time where faith isn’t openly spoken about, especially not in the workplace, he stays true to his. I really think my heart is breaking.

A few months ago he and I were talking about my relationship with the Mister and he was saying how lucky he felt the Mister is for having been brought together with the kids and I. He says this is what he wants, to meet a woman who already has children, children he can be a father to. He says he would be happy to meet someone and fall in love and then have kids, the traditional way, but that he doesn’t deny he would be happier to come into a ready made family. I didn’t know what to do with that when he told me. I still don’t.

He and I chit chat in passing, sometimes we end up working together for the day, but not often. I know he enjoys motorcross racing, the adrenaline that comes with it. I know he’s not afraid of hurting himself in the sport. I thought he was crazy when I first learned this about him. I still think he’s crazy.

I feel horrible about not wanting my friend to go to countries that aren’t safe right now. I feel horrible that his words made me cry today. But mostly my chest aches with a tremendous heaviness because in a life with so many who come and go, I’m about to have another one leave and this news couldn’t have come at a worse time.

I still admire him for his bravery and for his big heart, his desire to do good. I’ll pray for him every night until I forget about him. I know that sounds horrible but in reality, he and I are not that close and as time goes on I will have forgotten these feelings I’m feeling right now. But that’s a long ways off, just like his departure, so for now I’ll appreciate his presence and his friendship and mostly I will pray for him.

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Rebirth

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I wanted to hear from you today, I could’ve used your words. You would have said some poetic shit about how nothing was meant to last forever, except maybe our words, but even those will be forgotten over time. Don’t think I’m saying your words are shit, it’s only how I talk when I’m feeling like this and too often I censor myself for the little ears and eyes that I don’t think could handle the vulgarity of it. I save those words for my bound pages. I thought about writing in those bound pages today, I almost did, but so far I haven’t tainted them with what I write that I feel is crap. I’ve ripped a few out and will probably rip out many more before I decide the book is useless. What I really want to do is let you destroy me from the inside out, not literally of course, unless it would make you smile, but figuratively, so that I can start the process of being reborn. I feel dirty and disgusting right now, it’s what the building rage does to me, and a total reconstruction of my soul is the only solution. But the process is so damn exhausting and while I crave solitude, I become lonely when I’m in the depths of it. I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I needed to talk to you today. I wanted to be reborn.

Broken

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Just like that my whole mood has been turned around. It’s like storm clouds have moved in with icy cold winds and pelting rain. What is it about you that sets my soul at unease? Maybe it’s nothing but maybe it’s something. Maybe it’s everything about you, maybe it’s nothing at all.

You set the damn fire burning in me, an anger so intense it makes my teeth feel numb, much the same as they do when I’m about to have an anxiety attack. How the hell do you do that every single time? My rational side keeps telling me it’s nothing, that it’s just the PTSD trying to make something out of it. Or maybe I’m right. I don’t know. I don’t have the strength. You make me weak.

I don’t want to think about it anymore but that’s not how my brain works. It’s turning and churning and whirling and spinning, all the while the rage is burning deep inside of me. Rage over nothing, the nothing that might be something but that is most likely nothing. I’ll spend the next week wondering if it was something or nothing, blowing the whole incident out of proportion. My mind is my prison and it wasn’t your fault. You only found me like this, you didn’t make me like this. But you can’t fix me either.

In My World

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It’s so hard sometimes, being like this, living with a mind that picks something out of literally nothing. Letting the paranoia and anxiety get to me whenever I don’t even have all of the facts. But that part of me is so good at picking up on the most subtle of things, my brain hones in on these things, things I could live without hearing and seeing and knowing.

Sometimes I blame it on my writer’s brain. I blame it on my ability to pick out the most obscure details and turn them into things that they most definitely are not. Maybe not even most definitely, but at least probably not. I blow these “maybe nots” up into “probably are’s” and then over time they turn into “most definitely are’s.” It’s an exhausting way to live, but it’s all I’ve ever known.

I’ve spent the past two days building a fictional world, taking the time to create a place that I would very much enjoy living in, people I would very much like to know, and it makes me like my own world  a bit less. That’s the problem with writing fiction, reality is never quite as sweet. Not for me at least. I find myself becoming lost in these worlds, waiting patiently for the next moment when I can return to it. It’s like a drug, it’s my addiction.

I am exhausted. There are too many days when I am exhausted. These days it hasn’t been because of my overthinking brain though, it’s been a normal, pleasant type of exhaustion. It’s been one of work and children and puppies. I have too much to do and not enough time to do it, which is always better than having too much time and nothing to fill it with.

Sometimes I read these beautiful words and I wish they could be about me. I find myself wondering what would happen, what would have happened, mostly what could happen, if I was given the opportunity to experience life in these places, with these people and their words. Would they write words about Me? Have they written something about me? I could only hope so. But I am not there and they are not here and we never, ever meet and so really all I can do is hope that something I’ve said means more to you than it does to those who don’t even take the time to read these words. Those who should already know these words but for some reason don’t care to.

Weekend Coffee Share 06/25/17

img_1235Happy Sunday and welcome back to Write On for another Weekend Coffee Share! I hope you’re having a relaxing and/or productive weekend, whichever you’re needing. I also hope you’re staying cool in this weather! My phone’s weather app tells me it’s 84 degrees outside but the Mister keeps it nice and frosty in our home so it feels like it’s about 52… (That’s degrees Feherenheit for those in the world who go by Celsius. I have no idea what it would be in Celsius.)

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I’ve started writing fiction again! I’ve surprised myself with how the ideas have flowed. Maybe it’s because I actually created an outline this time and even character sketches. I’m pleased with the way the story is going although I’m afraid I’ve gotten a bit off track as of right now. I’ve created this whole “crazed person tries to break into woman’s coffee shoppe when I haven’t even revealed the reason someone might be after her. 😒 Leave it to my brain that jumps ahead. I still quite like the story though!

If we were having coffee I would tell you that these mosquitos will be the death of me. I don’t know how they get into the house but every now and then I see a stray one flying by, taunting me. I’m two seconds from telling the Mister we need to pack up and move out of the U.S. Do they have mosquitos in France? I could live in France…

If we were having coffee I would tell you that the Mister finally brought in one of our televisions from the garage and set it up in our bedroom and now we have Hulu! Surprisingly, the background noise has been good for my writing productivity, which surprises me. Usually I can’t write with any background noise at all. Maybe I’m turning a new leaf in my writing, maturing. That would be nice.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that last night the Mister and I and the kiddies went out to eat together. It’s been far too long since the last time we went out as a family and it was a lovely evening. Everyone except for our Oldest Daughter was stuffed from dinner and then we all came home and lounged together until bedtime. Earlier in the day I had been quite productive finishing up laundry and cleaning the kitchen. All in all it was a good weekend, minus the Girls fighting non-stop. Oh and the horrendous mosquitos… Did I mention the godawful mosquitos??? 😦

If we were having coffee, I would thank you for stopping by but a mosquito the size of a hummingbird has just flown past me and now I must extinguish it before I have a panic attack. I hope you had a lovely weekend and have an even lovelier upcoming week! I’ll try to catch up with everyone’s weekend Coffee Shares at some point this week! Until next time!

💕

Weekend Coffee Share- Sunday June 18, 2017

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Welcome back to Write On for another Weekend Coffee Share! I hope you had a productive week last week and a lovely, relaxing weekend! Before I forget, a very Happy Father’s Day to all of the Dads out there! I hope you had a lovely, relaxing day being spoiled by those you love and that love you. ☺️

If we were having coffee I would tell you that this weekend was okay for the most part. I got an enormous amount of reading done, which made me extremely happy! I started and finished four (4!!!) books on my Kindle app, which not only surprised me but made me extremely happy as well! It seems that it’s been too long since I’ve really taken time out to read and I quite enjoyed doing it this weekend. I read Buried by C.J. Carmichael, The Goodbye Storm by Danielle Stewart, Follow You Home by Mark Edwards, and Scraps of Paper by Kathryn Meyer Griffith. These were all really good books and if you like suspenseful and/or mystery type stories I highly recommend the second two books!

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I didn’t get nearly as much done this weekend as I hoped to. I was still fairly productive, but not nearly as much as I would have liked to be. It seemed that every time I turned around there was one more thing for me to clean. It was exhausting. There’s never enough hours in the day for me and I oftentimes find myself overwhelmed. I’ll be glad when the school year starts again and the kids are back in school. It seems the school year is far more relaxing than summer is for me somehow.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that my stepmother, whom I have never been particularly close to and don’t particularly care for, texted me yesterday and asked me why she hadn’t heard from me in awhile. I told her what she should already know- I’m an adult who has three children, a significant other, a puppy and a job. Last time I checked I didn’t see her calling or messaging me at all either. She’s one of those who thinks the world revolves around her. 🙄 She put me in quite the nasty mood, a bad enough mood that I was so anxious about having to speak to her if I called my Dad to wish him a happy Father’s Day so I just didn’t call. I’m horrible person, I know. And I’m going to leave that situation at that before I say a lot of nasty stuff about this woman.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that the mosquitos here are freaking horrible. I have no idea how to get rid of them but they’re everywhere. Mosquitos are my arch nemesis and I have quite the phobia of them. I don’t know how they get in the house, I swear they’re breeding indoors. I spend 98% of my time at home killing the little buggers and they make my anxiety skyrocket. Why can’t I have a normal phobia like heights or elevators? Why does it have to be mosquitos? I hate them… 😧 (Also if anyone has any tips on how to kill them indoors, please feel free to share them. I’m two seconds from a panic attack. I can feel it.)

If we were having coffee I would tell you that’s really all that’s been new lately. I haven’t really written much because I’ve been so absorbed in my reading and in family life. I’ll try to catch up on everyone’s Coffee Shares this week. I do hope all you Dad’s had a lovely Father’s Day and I hope everyone has a lovely upcoming week! Until next time!

💕A.

Meet and Greet: 6/17/17

Meet and Greet Weekend is finally here! Come and discover some wonderful blogs, bloggers and new posts! 🎉🎂🎁🎈

Dream Big, Dream Often

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It’s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!!  Strap on your party shoes and join the fun!  

Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
  2. Reblog this post.  It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!
  3. Edit your reblog post and add tags.
  4. Feel free to leave your link multiple times!  It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want.  It is up to you!

  5. Share this post on social media.  Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.

See ya on Monday!!

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