Existence

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Watching the truths of my childhood becoming the truths of my adulthood. Love does not exist, not like it does in the fairytales most grow up on and it’s disappointing. Settling for crude groping and inappropriate comments that make my skin crawl but that I call love, gifts that only money buy because it’s too difficult to try to show any other form of love. I tell myself this is as good as it gets. It’s exhausting succumbing to this life, one that I was tired of from the moment that I could understand it’s irony and cruelty. Yet here I am still, wading through the murkiness of it all. Performing mindless tasks every moment of every day, the only time I’m alive is when I’m pouring my mind, heart and soul out to eyes that cannot comprehend where I’m coming from. I’m all alone in this world, not another like me to help make the days a bit more bearable, a bit brighter, a bit more hopeful. On days like today I am weary and ready to give up. I cannot go another moment in this repetitive existence where there is no relief. I blame it on the lapse in my medication or maybe my paranoia is valid for a change. Maybe it’s always been valid and I’ve wrongly been trying to convince myself that I’m simply crazy instead. How tragic that would be. Searching for someone to share all of the small moments with, those moments that make my heart smile slightly, those moments that break through the darkness inside and I realize I have no one, no one that truly understands at least. Maybe I’ve had a spike in my hormones and it’s putting my brain and emotions off balance or maybe I’m right and I usually only turn a blind eye to these things because the truth is so damn painful sometimes. Until I take my last breath the only thing that matters is writing these words down and hoping that they reach the right person, someone who is like me.

Weekend Coffee Share 06/11/17

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Happy Sunday! Welcome back to Write On for another Weekend Coffee Share! I hope you’re having a lovely end to your weekend and a productive beginning to organizing your mind, body and soul for this coming up week. 😊 It’s surprisingly been a cool (temperature wise) weekend here in West Texas. My weather app tells me different and is possibly correct seeing how I’ve been inside for most of the weekend.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that work has been stressful lately. Too many chiefs, not enough Indians. πŸ˜’ What is it about working with a group of women? It’s like we feel this prehistoric urge to be the alpha female, it’s ridiculous and embarrassing. (I’m not speaking of myself when I say this, I only worry about what I do at work, not what my coworkers do. It sounds horrible but that’s not what I get paid to do. πŸ˜’) I feel as though I’m stuck in the middle between two coworkers and it really sucks, they’re both my friends but now they’re just bickering constantly and I don’t entirely think our supervisor knows how to handle the situation. It’s just an unpleasant situation and I hate feeling as though I am stuck in the middle.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I’ve been reading up a storm this weekend! Well, I’ve finished two whole books on my Kindle app, which was nice for me because it’s been such a long time since I’ve actually had the opportunity to sit down and read an actual book. I adore getting lost in fictional worlds. It’s therapeutic for me. 😊

If we were having coffee I would tell you that yesterday was my Oldest Daughter’s birthday and it was lovely! The Mister had to work all weekend but was off on Friday so we all went to his parent’s house to celebrate Oldest’s birthday. She made out like a Bandit with two journals, apparently trendy hairbows, a lip gloss making kit, a Fidget Spinner, and a beautiful necklace from her Grandma and Grandpa. It was a lovely day with Family. πŸ’•

If we were having coffee I would tell you that tonight the Girls and I discovered baby bunnies in our backyard! They are a bit hidden in a hole and slightly covered by grass, but they’re alive and well. They’re too cute! The Mister is worried that the Puppy will try to eat them but so far she’s only been curious to look at them and the Mister and I have decided to keep her inside until he can assess the situation a bit more. They are too cute!

If we were having coffee I would also tell you that earlier a male dog was roaming the neighborhood and he and my baby dog have apparently become friends. πŸ˜„ He came to our screen door and sniffed at my baby dog who seemed smittened with him. πŸ˜„ They kind of kissed a bit (which was quite awkward) and then he went on his way. He had a collar on so I’m guessing someone is probably missing him and I tried briefly to track down an owner by walking up and down the street with him but he became distracted and wandered off to another family who was also outside. The family said if I didn’t find his owner they would be happy to take him off my hands, which I thought was extra shady but the dog ended up wandering off at some point.

If we were having coffee I would tell you this weekend has been quite exciting and I’m not particularly looking forward to work tomorrow. πŸ˜• It’s hard to work when you feel uncomfortable around your coworkers. 😞 Hopefully the week will go by quickly and then I can come back into the comfort of my home that I love very much. Who knows, maybe more Baby animals will show up next weekend. 😊

I hope you’ve had a wonderful weekend and I look forward to catching up on everyone’s Coffee Shares! Thanks for joining me this weekend and I’ll see you all next Sunday! πŸ’•

 

Alive

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Some days all I yearn for is a beer. Something tall and dark, something Irish. I daydream about a bar I used to frequent in my early twenties, I was there nearly every night after work in the summers. I’d have a few drinks, half watching what was on the televisions behind the bar until it was well past time to drag myself off home to a life that I should have appreciated but very much didn’t.

I didn’t write much back then, not at all actually. I was too busy working fifty hour weeks and living life. Did I search for love back then? Sure. I’m always searching for love but up until half a decade ago I never found it. I sought adventure and noise, noise that would quiet the one ever present in my own head. It was never really quieted, but many times it was overpowered by the exciting, frivolous life I was living.

I drank mostly. In groups, in pairs, alone. I drank alone more often than not, mostly because my appetite and tolerance for alcohol far surpassed that of anyone else I knew. I oftentimes outdrank even most of my male friends, which I think impressed and disgusted them at the same time. Drinking was the only way I could escape from life. The only way I could be free. The only way I could be happy. Drinking silenced the insecurity, the irrational fears, the anxiety, the depression. Well, it silenced the depression for awhile and then it hit me full-force once I was done.

Some days I would dabble in other substances. Those are the days when I would write. I would think of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, the Mad Hatter, the Mad Queen, the White Rabbit. I would think of that magical world I had loved since I was a child and wish I could be there. I would chase substances and try to get as intoxicated as I could in order to just catch a glimpse. Never did I find it in my waking moments, but my dreams were always colorful. Now I wish I would’ve written more of those dreams down. It seems such a waste to have kept them to myself all of those years.

I can’t remember the last time I had a colorful dream. I can’t remember the last time I dreamt at all. The medication prevents me from remembering them. I can’t say this is a bad thing, I have more nightmares than dreams anyhow, but just for once I would love to remember one in detail. Something I could write about. Something I could share with you. I just can’t.

The pain has been unbearable the past couple of days, sparks of it that leave me convulsing. I’m not one for doctors so I suffer in silence. Yesterday as I was picking up last minute items for my daughter’s birthday, the pain nearly had me on me knees, right there in the electronics department. Sharp, stabbing pains and I convinced myself this was it, this was how it was going to end- in an aisle of a store, on my knees, only a few hours short of an early birthday party for my oldest daughter. The pain passed but revisited me early this morning. I’ll make it to a doctor eventually.

I want to write something that moves you to tears, that has you reflecting on your own life, that has you wondering more about mine. I want to fill you with words that have you pulling out your drawing pencils and sketch pads, bringing my words to life- magical places pencilled down for me to escape to when it all becomes too much, and it often becomes too much. I want to write something that inspires you to respond, inspires you to create, inspires you to remember. I want to write something to fill the space that drinking left, I want to write something that makes me feel alive.

 

Meet and Greet: 6/10/17

Meet and Greet Weekend is finally here! Come and discover some beautiful words! πŸŽ‰πŸŽˆπŸ“–

Dream Big, Dream Often

Β dreambigwallpaper-pinkombre

It’s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!! Β Strap on your party shoes and join the fun! Β 

Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
  2. Reblog this post.Β  It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!
  3. Edit your reblog post and add tags.
  4. Feel free to leave your link multiple times! Β It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want. Β It is up to you!

  5. Share this post on social media.Β  Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.

See ya on Monday!!

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Revisited

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I once wrote a story, over 50,000 words and then deleted and destroyed it after a year. It was the most painful thing I had ever written because even though it was fiction, it was based on truth. The words I had written made me relive the past and I think this is when the nightmares started. The past is so painful and it’s hard to learn from it when you’re still trying to run from it. I’ve worked so hard to put the past behind me and the medication had helped a great deal. I’ve long since stopped going to therapy and no longer have anyone to share my pain with, except for You. I can’t remember the last time I had a nightmare, the last time I caught myself looking over my shoulder, the last time I had a panic attack, but today, the thoughts were too much and I don’t even know what started it. My mind tumbled and fumbled over itself, around and around and the anger overwhelmed me. I could feel the paranoia creeping in at the edges of my mind and your face was all that I saw, all that I could focus on. Your face is like that of an angel, although I’m sure you would disagree and maybe even laugh, but your face, it is heavenly. Everything about you sets me free, everything about you is all that I need to keep me grounded while still experiencing the beauty in the clouds. You know my truths and yet you’re still here, you keep coming back even though I can’t understand why. There’s nothing about me that’s particularly interesting, there’s nothing about me that’s particularly unique, yet here you come, once again, setting my soul on fire. Everything about you is all I’ve ever wanted, at least, the parts of you that you’ve let me see. Everything about you is perfect and I’ll never understand why you keep coming back when all I have to offer is Me.

Caged

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Feeling so weary sitting on this couch. I’m exhausted. It’s not a physical exhaustion, although the physical demands play a part. My soul seeks rest. The places that I used to find it hold no comfort these days and I feel as though I am floating from moment to moment, waiting for when I can close my eyes. The anxiety makes all the sounds too loud and distorted, the lights too harsh and bright. I find myself longing for the quiet and solitude of my bedroom, although even then I rarely find some peace. The noise inside my head is the loudest, it will not quiet even for a moment. The thoughts roll around and around, becoming louder and louder and I turn to the words I love so much, the words that quiet my soul. I thank you then for creating for me a safe haven, even when the words aren’t so beautiful, even when the truth is dark and painful and rips open old wounds. I thank you. Your words remind me that there is another way to see this world, another way to see the beauty, another way to find release and this is all I’ve ever wanted.

Weekly Smile #75

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Ah Weekly Smile #75! I’m truly awful with keeping up with these… Let’s see… I’ve been keeping up a little better with my house cleaning, which is a miracle with three children and a puppy and this does make me smile! Work has been going well enough, I suppose. I have my health, my family, freedom, creative inspiration, all of which of course we should Smile about every day but that I sometimes take for granted. This week I’ve tried to remember to smile even when I didn’t particularly feel like it and I think it’s made a difference!