Confusion

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When the anxiety is like this, my teeth feel numb. I didn’t think your teeth had too much feeling but apparently, they do. My teeth have felt numb for the past two days. It’s a strange sensation. It feels like they’re tingling but it also feels like they’re not there. The words consume me, yet I cannot find the appropriate ones to write. They tumble in my brain and jumble together and on days like today when I’m filled with a red hot rage, everyone looks like an enemy to me. Everyone looks like someone who not only can, but wants, to hurt me. Especially those that I love. I ran into someone today that I used to know and it was awkward as he raised his eyebrows at me and forced a cheery “Hey.” His girlfriend was trailing much farther behind him as they browsed for a door. She looked unenthusiastic as she followed him from aisle to aisle before they finally exited the building, him at a quick pace and her still shuffling behind him. I saw them together in the store a few months ago and they were standing so close together, hands linked, eyes glowing with that new love. It made me a bit sad to see them this way today. But maybe he was in a hurry. His ex does work there still of course. Maybe he was afraid he would run into her and it would just be awkward. His ex has been promoted and will be leaving the store soon, which I’m thankful for. I never much liked her anyhow. I wondered if he was feeling a red hot rage like me. If he was anxious and restless with the urge to move around, break loose or maybe to destroy something beautiful the same as I was feeling. I didn’t ponder these things too long because she’s in his past, and he is in mine and there’s no point of reliving that mess. It was confusing enough the first time and my anxiety is too great for anymore confusion.

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