I know it was in part because I hadn’t taken my medicine in a few days. It couldn’t be helped. I always tell myself I will call in a refill earlier next time, and then life just happens. Maybe it was because today was the first time He came with me to the clinic to pick up my meds. I was thankful there wasn’t a man who came out of the bathroom with his pants around his knees this time. It hadn’t too much phased me, but I’m not sure how the Mister would’ve taken it.
I was glad there weren’t any patients wandering around nervously, talking to themselves or talking to people that only they could see. I was thankful there weren’t any gothic girls waiting with their mothers because those are the type of girls he adores. I might add that I am not a gothic girl. I am quite the tomboy and listen to a wide variety of music, but nothing that He listens to.
Today was supposed to be our day. After we got my medicine, we went and grabbed a bite to eat and then we wandered around a store for awhile. I didn’t buy a journal, as tempted as I was. I bought some posters to hang in my daughters’ room. I’m going to surprise them tomorrow and hope that they are as excited about it as I was to buy them. I picked up one for my son as well. I hope he doesn’t feel as though he is too grown up to have it in his room.
I got a new pair of shoes, which I was desparately needing, and I took a silly picture of the Mister in a hat. There was another errand I was supposed to run today, but the Mister was concerned about what it would do to my anxiety afterwards, he worries so much about me. Turns out he didn’t need to worry because my anxiety did it’s thing all on it’s own.
My puppy is going through some changes and this made me anxious as well. I have a hard enough time dealing with the physical and emotional changes my human children go through and now I have a puppy to worry about as well. There’s some huge dogs next door who have been attacking the fence all day while the Puppy is outside, I think they can sense it. This makes me anxious. The fence isn’t sturdy and it was leaning and groaning every time the male dog lunged against it. It reminded me of another dog I had a long time ago. Her Owner had bought her a turkey leg and smoked it for her and she had been so proud of it. She had paraded it around up against the chain link fence separating our yard from the neighbor’s. Later that night, one of the neighbor’s dogs got ahold of my puppy’s floppy ears and in the morning, they weren’t so floppy anymore.
About an hour ago, the anxiety took over and I went and lay down in bed. I told myself I would only lie down for a moment and rest. The Mister cleaned up a bit while I lay there in the dark and the Puppy scratched at my closed bedroom door and whined, wanting to be let in. Both of these things made me anxious. I ended up crying and apologizing for being so, just SO, when the Mister came to check on me. He tried to comfort me and reassure me that everything was fine and that he understood. He’s always so understanding and accepting.
After awhile I calmed down and came back into the living room and tried not to think about everything that led up to me being the mental and emotional basketcase that I am today so I wrote this instead. I write because sometimes it’s the only thing that helps. I write because sometimes if I don’t, I end up going mad. I write because sometimes it’s all I have that makes sense.
It’s like a storm inside me that never diminishes, only relents momentarily, always only momentarily. The winds and torrential downpour ease up to a steady drizzle but it never really dries up. The eye of the storm swirls and spins, building momentum and then unleashing it’s fury. It’s a storm that I’m never equipped for and I can’t for the life of me ever predict it’s movements so that I can find shelter. It’s a storm that is always forming.