Warrior

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On nights like tonight I’m filled with the need to push out the words just so I can avoid the ugliness that lurks in the silence. Those infected, poisonous thoughts that would rip a person’s soul to shreds should they slip from between my lips. In the shower I was thinking about my appointment tomorrow with my counselor and how I would unleash all of the proverbial rubbish onto her, let her be the victim of my brutal backlash, afterall, isn’t that what she gets paid to do? But no, that isn’t fair.

The last time I spoke with her she told me that I need to be more firm when I feel as though my needs aren’t being fulfilled and I’ve been chewing on this thought ever since. She makes it sound so easy, even after I voiced my concerns about whether or not it would all sound mean once I let it out. She says there’s a tactful way for everything to be said but what she chose not to hear me say was that once I have reached my breaking point, tact goes right out the window.

There are times when I don’t care who I hurt with my words, I just need to release them. I feel them tumble over and around each other in my head for hours, days, weeks, months, sometimes even years, before they explode from inside me onto some poor, undeserving soul’s ears.

I try to turn to my writing and it helps for a period of time, until the next episode. And that’s what it is really- a neverending cycle of sitcoms in which I am the protagonist, made out to look like the antagonist. I swear I’m not though. It’s not as though I want to feel these things, this way. I would love to still believe in fairy tales and happy endings and pots of gold on the other side of the rainbow, but I’m just always far too busy battling my demons to find these magical things.

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4 thoughts on “Warrior

  1. I’d say…get it all out. Isn’t that why counselors are there? I remember going to my favorite one and when she asked me how I was, I growled at her and said “I don’t want to fucking be here.” She knew how to deal with that. Your counselor should know, too.
    You have been damaged. You want to believe in fairy tales but the fact is….like you say. You have demons to fight. Fight them in any and every way you can.
    Sending hugs, dear one.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. i could have written this.
    i call my journal my “portrait of dorian gray.” my writing is where i put all my ugliness.
    or, i try to.
    it still spills over.
    it’s nice to know i am not alone, but i am sad that other people have to feel this way too.
    i hope this passes (for both of us!) and we are able to grow & learn from it…somehow.

    Liked by 1 person

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