30DOW: Day 21

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Introduction

I want to know what makes you laugh. What makes your eyes twinkle with mischief, with amusement, with desire? I want to know what makes you happy. But not just happy- truly, amazingly, unabashedly ecstatic. What makes you glow from the inside out?

I want to know what scares you. And I don’t mean “sleep with the lights on” scared. I mean what sends your heart racing, your palms sweating, your mind spinning, what makes your breath catch in your throat and leaves you shaking in terror?

I want to know what makes you cry. Is it painful memories from the past? Things you wish you could forget but that haunt not only your dreams but your every waking moment as well. What makes your heart clench, makes you swallow more than once, has you choking back tears at even just the mere roundabout mention of it? I want to know what makes your soul sob.

I want to know what you dream about. Do you dream in color? Is it always the same faces, so close yet so far at the same time? Do you awaken in a cold sweat, terrified? Or do you wish you could make those dreaming moments last just a little bit longer, do you wish you could turn back the hands of time?

I want to know what you are thinking. Where do you go when you get that far away look in your eyes? Are you thinking of lost love? About a project you’re working on? About the past? The future? Are you wanting to be somewhere else?

I want to know you. But not your favorite color, your favorite food, your favorite movie. Not that these things aren’t important, but they are things even the least observant person can learn over time. I want to know the things you’re too afraid to tell the world. I want to see the parts of you that you are swearing you will only let the “right one” see. I want to see you in your truest form. I just want to know You.

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30DOW: Day 19

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Moonlight

Beneath the bright moonlight he reaches over and takes my hand. Our feet dangle from the pier and the waves gently crash against the jetties. Nearby I can hear some fish splashing in and out of the water. The breeze is refreshing on my sunburnt skin from earlier in the day.

“Do you want me to sing you a song,” he asks with a twinkle in his eye.

I don’t have to look at him to know his eyes are twinkling. His damn eyes are always twinkling. He’s like a child, so easily amused and even easier to please. I’ve grown tired of playing these games with him. I’ve only been trying to pass the time and he was convenient.

I decide to ignore his question but he starts singing anyways. I don’t know who told him he has a good voice, he starts singing some twangy nonsense that is neither my taste, nor is on key. I shudder and pull out my phone. I don’t have to look at him to know he is craning his neck to see who I am messaging. And in this moment, I do not care.

I’m messaging Him, of course. The only one so far in this lifetime who has understood me. The only one who hasn’t asked me to not be Me. The only one who has been able to soothe my fears and anxieties. The only one who doesn’t make me feel like I’m wasting my time.

He leans in and I know he is about to kiss me, in an effort to take my mind off of Him. I feel the disgust on my skin like creepy crawlers, more than just shivers. Like a flesh eating disease. I sigh and stand, wiping my hands on my pants, turn and walk back down the dock. Back towards Him. Of all the things in the world that make absolutely no sense, returning to Him is the most sane thing I could ever do in this insane life. I will always return to him.

30DOW: Day 18

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Mask

Was I convincing enough today? Was my smile bright enough, wide enough? Did I laugh at all the right moments and listen intently when it was appropriate? Was I happy enough?

Did you believe me today when I said I was okay? Did I hug you tight enough, kiss you long enough, was I everything you wanted me to be?

Did I seem happy to be carrying the load on my own? Did I come off as strong enough, wide enough, energized enough to continue to do it all on my own?

Did I seem interested enough, knowledgable enough, entertained enough for you to want to continue to pursue a friendship with me? Did I appear to be everything you are looking for in whatever it is that you’re looking for?

Was I convincing enough today? Did you have complete faith that I’m not crumbling on the inside? Did I mask the anxiety well enough that you felt safe to continue on your way with a smile and a wave? Did you feel confident that tomorrow would be an even brighter day?

30DOW: Day 17

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Love

Love me unrelentlessly. Unconditionally. Without boundaries.

With an abundance of acceptance, forgiveness, and understanding. With kindness and patience and passion. With compassion and excitement and a sense of adventure.

In color that leaks from the walls of your heart. With the desire to showcase what we are about. With the understanding that tomorrow is not promised, all there is today, right now, this moment.

With a song in your heart and a smile on your lips and the truth that we can withstand anything together.

For better or worse, for rich or for poor,  in sickness and in health, til death do us part.

Love me unforgivingly.

30DOW: Day 15

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What am I doing. 

This is what has been going through my mind these past couple of days. I want to be a writer. I want my words to matter. I’ve got these stories burning so brightly inside of me, but I keep them locked up tightly because they are my truths- truths that I am always afraid are too painful for others to know.

I’ve been dreaming about the beach lately, only the dreams are more like nightmares. The beach is like a lover whom I can never reach. My fingers brush against the sweetness of it’s image but it always pulls back just when I am about to touch it. It’s painful. Without the ocean I am without peace.

But really is this true?

I’ve been wondering these past couple of days if I am doing everything I can to be a good mother, a good partner, a good person. I feel like I am, doing all I can I mean.

But really is this true?

I tell myself I will follow my heart and follow my dreams and do what makes me feel filled to the brink with happiness and peace. I tell myself that no matter what has happened in the past, I still have time to make the future even better.

But there’s always that question nagging in the back of my mind-

But really, is this true?

30DOW: Day 14

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I Came, I Saw, I Wrote

I’m going to make this short tonight, I’m sorry. I’m in a bit of a strange state of mind and nothing is coming out very pleasantly. There’s a lot of commotion over here where I am and it’s making it difficult to focus. I was going to write what was on my mind, yet it came out sounding so dark and depressing so I refrained. Mostly I just wanted to stop by and say hi, I wrote. I’m here. I showed up. I love you. Your words are amazing and they matter. 💖

30DOW: Day 13

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The Storm

As the storm rages around me, I try to remember that it was shelter I was seeking. I gaze around at the remnants of what was and wonder how this happened. My home, my haven, now a shell of it’s former self. These things, things I thought made up who I am and what we are, I see now that they are meaningless.

The storm, god this storm, it beats against me, unrelentingly and I have long forgotten that I hate the wind and the rain.    They have become such a big part of me, it’s as if it has always been this way.

He reaches out and takes my hand and I can see that he too is weary, yet his love for me is so intense that he is content to weather out this storm. He has always been by my side. He always will be by my side. Somehow this makes the storm not so frightening. Not so unbearable. Not so devastating.

The storm rages on but I am here now. I am safe.