30DOW: Day 22



Dreaming of the ocean again. It’s so painful to be taunted by the one thing my heart desires the most. This woman, lord she annoys me to no end, I spoke to her the other day and she tried to solve all my problems like she always does. She’s so selfish and she thinks I am blind to her motives. I just need to be near the ocean again.

I keep a seashell in my car. I run my fingers over it lightly sometimes. I bought it from a pet store in town. I’m not sure why the pet store sells sea shells, but I can hear the ocean in it so I bought it. It makes me sad to hear the gentle roar, it makes me smile, but it’s a sad smile. I think all of my smiles are sad to some extent. But that’s just what life does to you sometimes.

Today I was trying to remember the last time I laughed, really laughed with happiness. I know it was just the other day, I am happy in life, He makes my heart so happy. I know I smile and laugh a lot when I’m with him. He’s even better than the ocean, but I still miss the waves, the sand, the salt air, more than I’ve ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life.

I can never seem to think as clearly as I can after making a visit to the ocean. My thoughts are clouded, jumbled. Sometimes all I can hear is that roar, everything I touch feels like the beautiful, soft blanket of the white sand, all I can smell is that salt air and it makes my eyes sting with tears. I know He wonders what it is that makes me so sad. I know he thinks it’s the past or maybe my anxiety, my nightmares. But it’s always just the ocean. I’m only ever really crying for the ocean.



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