30DOW: Day 22

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Nostalgia

Dreaming of the ocean again. It’s so painful to be taunted by the one thing my heart desires the most. This woman, lord she annoys me to no end, I spoke to her the other day and she tried to solve all my problems like she always does. She’s so selfish and she thinks I am blind to her motives. I just need to be near the ocean again.

I keep a seashell in my car. I run my fingers over it lightly sometimes. I bought it from a pet store in town. I’m not sure why the pet store sells sea shells, but I can hear the ocean in it so I bought it. It makes me sad to hear the gentle roar, it makes me smile, but it’s a sad smile. I think all of my smiles are sad to some extent. But that’s just what life does to you sometimes.

Today I was trying to remember the last time I laughed, really laughed with happiness. I know it was just the other day, I am happy in life, He makes my heart so happy. I know I smile and laugh a lot when I’m with him. He’s even better than the ocean, but I still miss the waves, the sand, the salt air, more than I’ve ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life.

I can never seem to think as clearly as I can after making a visit to the ocean. My thoughts are clouded, jumbled. Sometimes all I can hear is that roar, everything I touch feels like the beautiful, soft blanket of the white sand, all I can smell is that salt air and it makes my eyes sting with tears. I know He wonders what it is that makes me so sad. I know he thinks it’s the past or maybe my anxiety, my nightmares. But it’s always just the ocean. I’m only ever really crying for the ocean.

 

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