Another obstacle but what else? This is my life. I sit in my chair staring dumbly at the television after having worked my fingers to the bones today. The anxiety was so great this afternoon after a disheartening phone call and I cleaned alongside the Mister in an almost frenzy. I am beyond exhausted, my soul has surpassed weary and I am somewhere in between here and nowhere. I dream of finding rest.
The anxiety battles for control of my mind, I try to remember the ridiculous breathing exercises that quack of a counselor tried to teach me and think about filling out one of her nonsense worksheets before I remember how she told me she used to be suicidal and how more recently she confessed to suffering from insomnia after not having shown up to several of our appointments. I can make a wreck of my life all on my own without any help from someone who smiles disturbingly at me for fifty minutes once a week and encourages me to call or text her just to shoot the breeze.
I’m thinking about how so many people in my life tell me they think I’m a good person and then I sit and try to surpress all of the anger and hate that I cannot let go of and end up laughing. It’s not that I have been misleading with these people who love me, I’ve been honest with them from Day One but they refuse to see what I try to show them. It’s exhausting trying to be someone everyone thinks they know.
I’m telling myself I don’t need the medication tonight, I can breathe my way through this. It will be over soon enough. Why is it that whenever you are doing well there comes an obstacle? Or maybe it’s only in my life, maybe I am only allowed to experience small moments of happiness so that I don’t become too disheartened and give up entirely. Regardless, I am thankful for these small moments of distractions.
Every battle won means nothing to me when the war still rages on just as strongly as it did in the beginning. There is no end in sight and I just need a moment. I think of a friend on Facebook whom I’m never met who kindly told me that when I become too weary he will be there for me to lean on and I know that I could reach out and he will be there but what would be the point. Everyone is fighting their own battles, losing their own wars and who am I to burden him with my own?
When the morning comes the circles under my eyes will be prominent and my friends at work will want to know what is wrong and what they can do to help but for once, I am afraid this battle is mine to fight alone. I tried to convince Him that he doesn’t need this nonsense in his life and he is just as stubborn as I am. For every battle won another even bigger war awaits me.